Hello. Today I have done absolutely nothing which I was meant to do. Except possibly eat. And wake up. But that's possibly it. Now I need to stop procrastinating. Damn I'm over studying. Lack of pressure.. Farewell.

So today I've been terribly lazy, rolled out of bed 10 minutes before I had to leave to be in time for accounting. Thus I had to look like a wreck for the rest of the day. And then I've been in the library doing pretty much nothing. And now I'm eating noodles out of a cup. Lovely!

Indeed in desperate need for some study motivation due to the test on Thursday of which I've read eeeehm.....4 pages. Amazing how little one can achieve after probably 6-7 hours in the library. But my new playlist is rather awesome to say the least!

 
What a motherfucking fuckup! Here I was thinking, oh sweet, I'm just gonna finish this horrible week and hopefully pass all the tests, and then sort out this mess I've managed to end up in after the accounting on Friday. And then everything is going to be amazing again and I shall be at peace.....If it wasn't for the fact that I'm getting ignored and completely fucked up my accounting test. And that my mother have managed to fuck up even worse than ever could have been expected doesn't really help my state of mind of peacefulness at all. Thank God for semlor, Lee (yes it was rather successful after all haha), the aviators and amazing friends, and beer. Terribly happy I have some things to be happy for, which can distract me from everything which is just going down the drain. Yes that's it for now. Just came home from dropping off Lee and I should probably take a pill or two to get some sleep. Over n Out.

So let's be completely honest for a while. I'm terribly stressed out due to 4 tests this week, and 2 deadlines. I don't sleep anymore, therefore I pass out as soon as I come close to anything which is remotely inviting to rest my head against. I don't think my marks are reflecting the time I put down on studying, which is terribly frustrating. I am anti-people, and due to this new thing I'm trying out with being nice to people it has resulted in me zoning out, not speaking and pretty much walking past everyone that doesn't throw something at me. And I might be head over heels with someone who really couldn't care less. Oh yes, I need to change two of my car's tyres, but I don't really have time to drive there and wait for 30 minutes which it takes for them to sort it out, because that is 30 minutes which I could have spent in the library. Other than that my life is amazing. To conclude. Every smile I give people is rather fake. And every cheerful thing I say is to tell myself not to start crying because I've once again put too much on my plate. On Saturday am I going to the orphanage to play with the kids. It makes me forget my misery.

So I just realised that I need to do one more chapter for the test tomorrow. Just lovely isn't it? And the thunder is rather magnificent, and scary, but lets focus on the positive, otherwise I shall have a meltdown. Now I'm eating a wholewheat bun with fried egg. Then I shall continue this no-life I've got. Over n Out.

So what if my exam timetable is horrible? So what if my ecos DPs SUCKS? So what if I havn't slept for more than 4 hours each night during the last two weeks or so? So what if the class-average of Constitution was 23%? So what if it's so fucking cold in the library due to the aircon that the only thing I want to do there is sleep? SO WHAT?! How will this matter in two months time when I'm back to an amazing rainy summer in Sweden? Exactly, it won't. So let's pushpushpush some more.. The night is young and I have a freshly made cup of coffee in my hand.

So lately there's happened things which have got me thinking about how the small things in life actually matters. How there's no point of doing things for others when there's no appreciation given in return. How easy people use the word friend. And how it should mean so much more than a click on facebook. How people believe different things are important. Some a functioning relationships and a family, others a corner office and a huge Christmas bonus. Even how one manages to come into, and remain in a relationship, how certain things, material things, are more important than the feeling of your knees shaking when you see the other person. How a physical relationship is the most vulnerable situation one person finds himself in, whilst others would rather remain in a strictly physical relationship to not get hurt, and thus not being vulnerable at all. How the element of control, or rather the illusion of it, means more than anything. How it's easier being indifferent than being happy, because every second you are happy, is only bringing you one second closer to disappointment, sadness and eventually, a broken heart.

It's weird how planning your life towards being safe is in fact destroying every little piece of the chance you have of being happy and living in the moment. Because no matter how much you have planned where you are going to be in five, ten, twenty years, that all could change in a heartbeat. You could end up paralysed after a car accident which you were not the cause of. You could realise you are actually not studying what you were meant to study. You could realise that the family life you always wanted with 8 kids and a golden retriever might after all not be for you. Or the other way, that the corner office you wanted as a 15 year old have lost its appeal and that tight pencil skirt is after all rather uncomfortable, and all you want is to see your daughter take her first steps. And you could have to change everything. And then what? What do you have if your future plans fall apart?

Live today. Because no matter what you do, tomorrow will always be there, one way or another.

 
What are you waiting for? Take a bite of my heart tonight!

How I'm feeling right now? Ehm, rather tired. Emotionally drained or something. But I have a new hair-colour and Cass just left after having a coffee/food break. Now I believe I shall watch a movie. And then eventually, after perhaps two or three cups of coffee due to the lack of wine, find the inspiration of doing the rest of today's to-do-list.

 
So last night was rather miserable. Clearly not used to sleeping alone quite yet. Today I have been to a lecture, rather average. Then spent six or so hours in the library. Then had some quality time with Elm, food, chat, watched F&F5 (AMAZING!). Then I went home. Or well, in between I have put petrol in my car. And found out my exam timetable (NOT woho!). Then the gate decided that my remote didn't have enough battery. And Luz who has my spare-key isn't picking up her phone. So now I'm improvising. Life is pretty good I must say. Have one loose end which need to be resolved. Reckon I shall try to avoid that until after the accounting test on Friday, finger's crossed I manage that.

I have also managed one day without saying anything mean. Two more to go!

LOVELOVELOVE FAST & THE FURIOUS 5!

Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Usually? People. And my thoughts about people. Like people dying. Or leaving.
Ending up alone. Or when I'm feeling reallyreally sorry for myself.

Usually I put everything in a box. And sometimes it overflows. Those days are not good days.

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better

Depending on why I'm upset/sad/whatever obviously. Sometimes company. But usually I feel more lonely amongst people if I'm upset or mostly sad. It just doesn't feel right being with people, trying to put on a smile when all I want is to cry. I try to avoid being unhappy. Easier that way. And especially being unhappy infront of others. Really no point with that at all if you ask me. Because most people only ask "how are you?" so you can ask how they are.

Usually music helps. Or a movie. RENT has saved me all too many times. And Breakfast at Tiffany's. The two best movies for any mood. Just amazing. I suppose that's it. Or being with someone who waits for the tears to go away and don't ask any questions, because they realise there's really no words that can describe what you feel. 

Hello. Today I have almost been productive. It has however been a rather amazing day. Apart from lack of food. But now I'm fully eaten and back in business! Busy baking, as Lee and I never seem to come around to sort that out. Now the dough is rising. It takes forever to bake. I have a tendency of forgetting that when I start my projects. Kind of like doing the laundry. So much dead time. However, I have a cup of coffee in my hand. And yesterday Jane gave me a pair of earrings to say thank you for copying all my books! Love them! And I am up to date with the accounting. And I have done another chapter of Constitutional Law. And I need to do a chapter of the National Credit's Act. And I've deleted facebook. If someone wants something look to the right column and choose whatever alternative suits you best for contact.

I AM DOOOONE!!
Goddamn Mr Ismail if there isn't a 75% on this assignment when we get it back.
I shall then be crying me heart out.
Now sleep.
YAY!

Great lack of words right now. One introduction is however done. The conclusion.....Well I really don't know what I should write about. I could use some booze. It usually lure out the brilliance of my vocabulary. Huuummmm, might have some gin. Oh, I would love a mojito right now! Or a strawberry martini. YES! A drink shall be sorted out!

Buss 203, Stockholm
Tjej 1 ~14: Han fick såhära skitont och typ såhära skrek!
Tjej 2 ~14: Varför det? Trodde han att han var tuff?

Tjej 1: Men nä, han hade typ nåt fel. Blindtarmen tror jag. De fick ta bort den.

Tjej 2: Jaha… Men vadå. Blind arm? Var sitter den?
Tjej 1: Nä, blindtarm.

Tjej 2: Jaha! Men var sitter den då?
Tjej 1: Bakom ögat tror jag, han blir nog blind. Jag tror han blir det.

Förskola Grönkullen, Alvesta
En pojke ~4 tittar upp mot himlen.
Pojken: Pappa, kolla ett flygplan!
Pappan ~30: Ja, jag undrar vart de ska resa?
Pojke: Det är ju häxorna som ska till Blåkulla fattar du väl.
Pappa: Men de åker väl på kvastar?
Pojke: Men bli lite modern nån gång, pappa!

Busshållplats, centrala Göteborg
Två tjejer ~17 står och pratar när en uteliggare kommer fram till dem.
Uteliggaren: Can I have some money please?
Tjej 1: No I'm really sorry but I don't have any on me.
Han står kvar vid tjejerna.
Tjej 1: I really don’t. Look. (Hon stoppar händerna i fickan för att visa att hon faktiskt inte har några pengar)
Uteliggaren (på knagglig svenska): Mycket fin, mycket fin.
Tjej 1 ser frågande ut och hennes kompis börjar skratta.
Uteliggaren (tar tag i Tjej 1:s hand): Do you have a boyfriend?
Tjej 1 (snabbt): Yes I have.
Uteliggaren går iväg.
Tjej 1 (till kompisen): Hoppas han inte trodde jag dissade honom bara för att han var uteliggare…
Tjej 2: Gjorde du inte det då?
Tjej 1: Alltså… han var ju kort och så…

Tjuvlyssnat<3

If someone wants to be part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.

So I still have my own part to start in this goddamn group project. And one chapter of constitutional law. And go over the accounting. Now I need coffee. Ridiculous amounts of caffein shall be speaking for this week. Focus. on. 65% average. Need 65%. Not sleep. Sleep one can do when dead.

Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Right now. I'm upset by selfish people. People who know their actions will hurt others, but they do it anyway, on purpose, only for that sole reason - hurting others. And I'm upset with unfairness. How there are so many poor people so close to the wealth they will never be able to accomplish unless a miracle happens. One of my friends is a miracle of such, and she will be able to go further than any silver spoon could ever take someone. I'm upset how your past always catches up with you, and how it doesn't matter for how long, or how far you run, because you can never run from yourself. It upsets me how people speak too much about things they don't know anything about. It upsets me how it doesn't matter how much you study for a test because if the questions are wrong you will still fail. It upsets me how I am not always able to shut out my feelings. It upsets me how some things just isn't right, no matter how much you want it to be. And it upsets me how my coffee have a tendency of getting cold just a little bit too quickly.

As I have during this holiday managed to kick the ball reallyreally far into his court. This life of mine shall look like this until my trip back to Sweden.....

Day 21 – Your rolemodel

I don't know if I have one role model. I have plenty of significant people in my life who together have helped me become the person I am today. I have friends who are reserved and would rather keep bad things to themselves instead of burden others with their problems. I have friends who always speak up when something is not right. I have a family who has taught me that it might not be the end of the world if it doesn't go right the first, second or third time.

My role model is a person who don't give up by the first defeat. Who sees the better in people. Who doesn't let other people get them down. Who can love again, when been hurt. Who can rise up when struck down. Who can find their path when lost, and most significantly - who is able to create a new path where no one else has gone before.

Wahaha when browsing through all these photos I realise........damn this evening was random! Hahaha! Well I miss these times. The Aviators!

Today I have moved around the stuff in my apartment. Now all I need is an armchair and it shall be complete. And some paint, and some nails to put up the frames. And obviously photos which I need to print. Yes this shall be amazing! Now I need to finish what I have been procrastinating the whole holiday.

And I finished reading the book last night/this morning. I really love the author. And I can see how the book was banned as the government really didn't want the whites to help the blacks, however, I think I have the wrong view on the whole thing as I reckon it is more about acceptance than segregation. But then again, what do I know. However, Alan Paton, READREADREAD!

SMALL THINGS AMUSES GREAT MINDS?

So ridiculously pleased with life right now. And my phone has gone missing. Monkeypooooo!